Hell has been given a really bad rap for being a place of eternal damnation where the sinners get sent on a roller coaster ride that ends by plunging into a lake of fire. Doesn’t sound all that bad to me, It could be a nightmare for those terrified of getting on rides (thanks Disneyland) and can’t take a little bit of heat. But all in all, they’ll eventually get used to it.
Since most of us will end up there, it wouldn’t hurt to get a little creative and plan our way through. There’s the option of building motorboats and holding motor racing contents for the rest of eternity. That will keep us out of the fire, and add an element of excitement to our never-ending stay. We have plenty of engineers from India, so don’t worry about the complexities of building a motorboat, you can outsource it to us.
Maybe we’ll get lucky and discover a new species of pyro fishes and mammals living in the vast uncharted oceans of fire and start fishing for them. That would open
up a whole new world of cuisines we can dine on. I’m sure Richard Dawkins would
love to study them in detail, so we could save a couple of them for the development of Afterlife Science. Although, we might require some funding from the devil himself to facilitate the research.
Since hell is literally drenched in fire and brimstone, I’m sure thermal energy is
abundantly available, so think of all the electricity it will generate. We could light the entire place up, and provide hell with what it needs most, air conditioners. Hey, even the devil needs some air conditioning from time to time.
The brimstone can be used to produce tires which will revolutionize trade and procurement of supplies. Our influence will reach far and wide and our Demon Overlords will thank us for our efforts. You see, the devils are open minded unlike a certain someone up in the sky, who spends his eternity stroking his long white beard, while his sycophant followers stroke his God sized ego with praises and adoration.
The last time someone tried something new, he was thrown out of heaven. Lucifer saw how successful the Lord’s worshiping business had grown, turning him into an instant hit; a worldwide celebrity via his ingenious marketing strategy that involved constant threats of eternal damnation and promise of an afterlife which when you think about it, aren’t exactly mutually exclusive. There can only be eternal damnation if there is an afterlife.
God played his hand well.
Ambitious as Lucifer was, he decided to start something similar in hopes of one day turning it into a family business, but the poor lad didn’t realize that there can only
be one God in this arena, so he was expelled.
Also, the family business game is run by Hindus, so you’re out of luck. we have a God for just about everything which means all the seats have been taken.
Enraged as he was, Lucifer decided to go against God’s will and took over the hottest
place in the universe,
Las Vegas the lower astral realms of earth. He’s doing pretty well for himself, and his business has started to flourish rapidly which is no surprise when take a look at the influx of sinners that keep pouring in.
There are more atheists now than there were back in the days where witch hunts and beheadings were the norm. They’ve disproved God’s existence by using this thing called “logic” and “common sense” and called his book a piece of rubbish.
That enraged the living eternity out of him.
It took him a while to piece those books together, sending out multiple versions first to the Jews, then to the Christians, and finally to the Muslims. They’re still fighting over which of the books is the best one ever written, not realizing that God had only written his first couple of drafts and was looking for some feedback. He took his writing very seriously, but the poor fools didn’t understand the Lord’s intent.
He wanted to become a novelist.
It only led to more business for Lucifer. Lucifer latched onto that popularity by inspiring his own sect of followers to write down what is now known as the Devil’s Bible. He did what the Lord Almighty couldn’t, and published his first original book. Its lavishly adorned with ornaments and calligraphy and tucked neatly into a wooden case.
Lucifer really gave his book some thought, realizing that trends are subject to change, and books with just words in it wouldn’t be as popular when the humans come up with something ingenious like cardboard shaped objects that give off illumination and has the capacity to contain within itself a library of thoughts spanning throughout history. After all, Eve did eat the fruit of knowledge. You think they won’t put any of that fruity knowledge to use?
So Lucifer went all out, turning his book not just into a literary masterpiece, but also literally a masterpiece. The devil can also teach you a thing or two, you know.
Lastly, I’m sure if we sinners worked together, we could definitely open up a couple of smartphone stores. That way we can connect with the living world via our Hellphones.
Its still in its development stage, so you might need a psychic to establish a connection with your loved ones. But while we’re at it, we can also start our own Hellbook, Hellgram, Hellsapp and connect with each other.
The way I see it, things are looking pretty good down there. Who knows, maybe God will stop by someday, look at our progress and forgive us for our sins. We could take the Lord on a boating trip and roast some marshmallows over at the lake of fire.
For the People Loitering on the Other Side
What’s that? You aren’t a sinner?
Alright. You have fun up there, down on your knees and praying to God for the rest of eternity while we’ll be down here snorting devil’s dust and making out with the succubus. I’ll send you photos and videos of all the boating trips we’ve been on and the pyrolife we’ve hunted down and cooked up into a feast. We’ve uploaded most of it on Hcloud, so you can download it from there. What?
You aren’t allowed to use cellphones?
Good Heavens! Hahahahahaaa!