I spent four years pursuing an engineering degree because where I’m from, you can’t call yourself an Indian unless you are an engineer or a doctor. You have to qualify for it.

So I went along with the crowd and got myself a degree to show the world that I too can accomplish great things. And no doubt, It is a great thing, since it serves as an excellent form of identity proof. In case I get taken up as a hostage during a terrorist attack, I could just flash my certificates and they’ll go, “Ahh! My good friend, you are Indian! Come come! Help us make this bomb go Boom! Okay? Or I kill you. No pressure, it is your choice. But I kill you anyways.”

Act fast! The bomb won’t detonate itse- oh wait, it will.

I’d then put my hard-earned knowledge to use by creating as many duds as I can, because private collages don’t teach you shit.

Also I will tell them that peeing on the bombs will increase their “potency” and that they ought to stand facing the wall because the bombs could explode if they are exposed to too much peer pressure. The bombs can be a little shy and anxious in these instances, and blow up in our faces if we prod them too much.

Then we’d wait for the police to arrive on the scene, and arrest those terrorists with their faces turned towards the wall.

Can I turn back now?

They’d be puzzled, wondering what was going on. That’s where I step in, thumping my chest and telling them that I had everything under control.

But then they police would put me under arrest and haul my ass to the station. Its not hard to imagine why.

In a situation where I’m standing next to a couple of bomb, thumping my chest vigorously, and screaming “Officer! I got everything under control!”, It wouldn’t be far fetched to assume that the police could get the wrong idea and think I was one of the suicide bombers who had all the bombs under his control, and view my chest thumping as a threat to blow the entire place up.

This is where my certificates come to the rescue. A couple of flashes here and there, and they’ll let me off. Hopefully.

Then I’d become a hero.

The brave Indian engineer who intervened in a terrorist attack and saved lives by flashing himself

I’d be on all news channels 24/7, explaining that I didn’t “flash” myself, but that I flashed my engineering certificates at them.

I’d be on The Republican, arguing with Arnab Goswami that I didn’t flash myself, but who will, with his years of experience in shouting people down, convince his viewers that I did in fact, flash myself.

He might even convince me that I did it myself.

The Nation wants to know the truth, and I will convince them with my incessant whining.

I’d then go back to the other news channels and confess to shamelessly flashing myself. I’d probably end up on the registered sex offenders list but hey, I’d still be a hero though.

A hero with a perverted sense of justice.

Why not Medicine?

I didn’t take medicine because I never liked doctors. They get paid to promote the use of drugs, how is that not a felony? They write down “prescriptions” as they’d like to call it, telling us to take it two or three times a day to “recover” from illness.

Recover from what? The illness brought about by those very drugs? Hah! I got you all figured out Big Pharma!

And their prescriptions can only be deciphered by others sharing the same profession. Only a doctor can read what another doctor has written and make sense of what is written, because only a doctor has access to a vast library of medical information, and the ability to decode whatever a doctor scribbles onto paper. They communicate in a language of their own, leaving us patients out of the loop. If you’re treating someone, he deserves to know what goes in and out of his body!

We live in a democracy, don’t we?

Despite the many issues I have with Big Pharma, I know I could have made hordes of cash selling drugs to unsuspecting patients. If they smell something fishy, I’d just tell them to take it before going to bed. That way they’ll never know whether it was the sleep, or the pills that rejuvenated them back to health. It’s a bulletproof plan.

But for that to happen, I’d have to become a licenced practitioner. I’d have to muck up enough medical literature to forget who, what and where I am.

I could have taken the alternate route, and by that I don’t mean Homeopathy or Ayurveda. I meant drug dealing, street edition.

But that would land me into some hot water, since there are no degrees or courses offered on drug dealing, how to escape from the cops or how to hide your assets in case of a raid.

You’ve got it all wrong officer, those are high- end pillows! The stuff inside provides the user with so much comfort that it feels like they are on cloud nine.

And since I am a man of principle, I decided against getting involved with crime and government sponsored crime, and took the traditional route of engineering.

That, and my IQ level is in decimal points.

Medicine is Overrated

How many doctors do we need? There are too many of you! Cut down the numbers and then maybe your MBBS alone will suffice to land you a fairly decent job as a, oh I don’t know…a doctor. Excuse me while I go back to polishing my pointy nose. It seems to have doubled in size for some mysterious reason.

Could a doctor help me with this?

See what I did there in the third line? You see the point I made there? If you study medicine, you will only become a doctor. If you study engineering, a whole new world of possibilities is opened up to you. You can become whatever you want, a scientist, a professor, an actor, a CEO, a homeless drug addict but maybe not a doctor.

Remember the terrorist attack I successfully intercepted which turned me into a worldwide celebrity?

And a registered sex offender?

You only remember the last bit, of course you would!

What are you going to do in case of a terrorist attack? Flash your medical certificates?

What? You are doctor? Kill him! He saves people!

You’d have to pray for someone like me to show up, with my engineering certificates in hand to ward off those terrorists. I would be your proverbial Moses, carrying my ten commandments on certificates, here to drown those heretics by pushing them into the red sea after which I shall part the red sea and together journey back to the promised land in my BMW.

Doctors Don’t Know Shit

A Doctors sells solutions his books tell him are “solutions”. Only an engineer has what it takes to generate solutions and actually fix problems.

But even then, doctors earn more. Its SO unfair.

You see all those complex equipment and machineries doctors use? We engineered them to not just fulfil its use as a medical equipment, but also ergonomically enhanced them to increase comfort. Did you know that?

The machines and industries that mass produce the medicines you prescribe are run by engineers. Big Pharma should share some of its credit with us engineers. Even a thank you would suffice, but NOOOO.

They don’t give a damn.

Give our technology back!

This is why you can’t trust them. All they do is don their white coats and skid about the hospital like Superman, as the overcharge their patients into debt.

The only kryptonite they have is when faced with a patient suffering from a potentially fatal problem, one that requires serious medical expertise. That’s when they’ll tell you, “You seem to be suffering from X, and unfortunately we don’t have the equipment or the resources or the desire to treat you here. Starting tomorrow, you will be transported to another hospital, far far away from the one we are currently at, where they will hopefully find a way to dispose, ahem, help you. Hey, look on the bright side, either way, this whole ordeal will end,with us remaining on the bright side and you on the other side.”

Patient A has pain in his feet? Send in the podiatrist with his surgery kit.

Patient B has pain in his head? Send in the neurologist and instruct patient B to lay down in the operation theatre.

Patient C has pain in his heart? Send in the cardiologist and try not to scare patient C with the news.

On second thought, this could be a sign of cancer, send all the patients to get their blood samples. And don’t forget to conduct a full body scan, those cancer cells could be hiding anywhere.

And when the results come in, it could be a rather mild affliction. Maybe patient A bumped his feet onto a sharp corner as he was moving stuff in and out of the house. Maybe patient B bumped his head somewhere on the ceiling when he was painting the walls. And maybe patient C had gas pain from gobbling down all those delicious hamburgers, without chewing them properly. What do they get? A five-digit bill for the blood test, urine test, rectal exam, prostate exam, screening for bone density etc. they’ve conducted.

There seems to be an abnormal bump above patient B’s head. Patient B has cancer, I repeat, patient B has cancer. Reel him into the chemotherapy lounge and hook him up. Don’t waste time explaining anything to him, time is of the essence. If he resists, tranquilize him.

But I know for a fact that if I were afflicted with a serious condition like cancer, I’d be the first in line to the doctor’s office. The moment I get in, I’d grab his hands and bawl my eyes out; begging him to save my life and hope he didn’t read this article of mine.

Me: Why aren’t you doing anything Doctor?

Doctor: Oh I dunno, “Doctors don’t know shit” right?

Me: :O

Two can play at this game.

But I Don’t Hate Them.

It’s the best we’ve got so far, and its thanks to them that we are able to live so long and get to see our kids grow. Earlier, whenever a woman went into labour, there was no telling whether she’d make it back. There were situations where not only would the wife pass away, but would leave behind a stillborn. Think of how tragic that was.

Illnesses would spread like wildfire because no one knew what caused them. Everyone believed it had something to do with God’s wrath. We know now that there are these tiny organisms called virus that can spread disease far and wide, also evolving in different ways to counter existing antibiotics.

Did I say it like you paid me to, Big Pharma?

You sure did! Here’s another bag of cash!

Medicine has its place in our society, and anyone foolish enough to suggest otherwise should be thrown back into the middle ages, everyone except me because I’m an engineer! I developed those medical equipments! Hey! Get your sterilized hands off of me!

That Will Be Enough For Today

Although I don’t hate medicine, I do hate alternate medicine. I will write an article about it in the coming days.

Its not just the real doctors I want to piss off.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *