You’ve already made the decision to kill yourself, so lets jump right into it. Wouldn’t want to delay the last crucial step in your life, now would you?
First and foremost, write down why you decided to go through with it. People need to know why you decided to kick the bucket otherwise they’ll conjure up some weak crap like “It was probably an accident.” or “Maybe he slipped and fell onto that pavement fifteen stories above from his apartment.”
They need to know how much work went into all of that.
Also, it would be better if the death didn’t entail too much pain, so we’ll include that aspect as well, and select the most appropriate method that guarantees a painless death.
Now for The Methods:
You can skip to whichever topic appeals to you the most, but I strongly recommend going through the entire list.
- ##Table of Contents
- #1 Death by Knife
- #2 Death by Hanging
- #3 Death by Strangulation
- #4 Death by Poison
- #5 Death by Drowning
- #6 Death by Car Crash
- #7 Death by Jumping off a Building
- #8 Death by Overeating
- #9 Death by Drug Overdose
- #10 Death by ??
#1 Death by Knife
A knife can be used in a number of creative ways.
You can use it to cut carrots, cucumbers, lettuce, onions, lemon, chicken and whip it all up into a salad, or you could use it to sharpen pencils, open bottles and hone other knives with which you can put an end to your misery after you’re done chowing down on that delicious salad you whipped up a couple of minutes ago.
Stabbing yourself to death will be too painful.
Think of how many times you’d have to stab yourself. Think of the effort it would take to generate enough force to fatally puncture yourself and how long you’d have to wait until death decides to stroll into town. What if the ambulance gets to you first because Death is busy chasing some daredevil teenager attempting to jump across 12 cars on his motorcycle in the
You’d be in the hospital, while the teenager would be in the mortuary. You’d be where the teenager wished he was, and he’d be where you wished you were. So lets strike that off our list.
#2 Death by Hanging
I’m sure you’ve played hangman as a kid, where you guess what the letters of a word are while your friend sketches some lines onto a piece of paper. Make enough mistakes and you’ll be awarded with a stick figure showering under a single stream of water. I never liked that game, because I never liked the idea of bathing under a trickle of water. That just sounds like pure torture. Think of how much time it would take for you to finish bathing, and think of how cold it would be as you stood there, waiting for it to completely engulf your body which it never will.
Hangman is a fun game to play just before you get into the real thing. It improves your IQ and gives you a sense of satisfaction after which you walk yourself into the gallows. It’s the ultimate stress buster, allowing you to devote all your attention to the final task.
But before that, hanging yourself requires some preparation.
- You first need to buy a rope
- Find a suitable place to set it all up
- Tie the noose
- Set it in place
- Blindfold yourself (Just to get into the spirit of it all)
- And perform the final task
And things can go wrong.
The store might be closed on the day you decide to buy those supplies. Maybe the store owner is depressed with his life and gets ahead of you and hangs himself with his own supplies, leaving nothing for you. In case you do purchase them, if you don’t tie the rope up properly, the noose could become loose and you’d fall, smashing your bones in the process. Not a good way to go my friend.
Your apartment might not be high enough to produce a force large enough to snap your neck. Instead of hanging to death, you’ll be hanging around; swinging back and forth like a pendulum while having to watch people point and laugh at you from the other side of the building. Would you want your last moments to go that way, with you being a clown?
The movies make it look easy, don’t they? But there’s a lot of preparation that goes on in the background to make it work. And believe it or not, the people in those movies don’t actually die. I know, shocker,
So death by hanging has been striked off.
#3 Death by Strangulation
There is a minor difference between hanging and strangling.
Strangling can happen when you hang yourself, but its often undesirable. Hanging is supposed to deal a quick and painless death, but because not all of us have PhD’s in roping typing, it could give us a painful death that takes forever to happen.
Strangling if done right can send you right into the afterlife, but there’s a problem here. You can’t use your own to hands to strangle yourself. You’d lose consciousness
before reaching the goal.
You could get a friend to help you, but that could put him in some serious trouble. May an ex- girlfriend will do the trick as it factors well into the equation. But it would be even better if you could find yourself a mate who shares your desire to visit the afterlife. Once you find him, take him home and get right into it. Place your hands on each other’s throats and start strangling. The first one who goes out wins. Yay?
What are the chances of finding a person willing to sacrifice his life to sacrifice your life? What’s he going to do once he strangles you and finds himself just sitting there holding your lifeless body?
Shake you back to life and ask you to finish what you started?
Strangle himself? That wouldn’t work, which is precisely why you called him over.
Unfortunately, death by strangulation has to go.
#4 Death by Poisoning
This is quite the attractive deal. All you need to do is ingest a substance that will give you the killer kick you’re looking for. You could also go on a safari trip in search of rattle snakes, seeking their cooperation. I doubt they’d ignore your request, seeing how far you’ve traveled just to visit them. Hey, you might even get lucky and come across a wide variety of scorpions that could assist you.
If money is a problem, then take a loan. You’ll be gone, and the bank isn’t going to chase you to the depths of Hell to retrieve what you owe them. You and the devil can have a hearty laugh as you sit there, snorting devil’s brimstone; telling him how the bank was nice enough to finance your safari trip into the afterlife.
If you’re not the adventurous type its alright, you can still get your poison from the local store nearby but it has to be the right kind of poison, the type that doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth, and deals a swift blow. Chugging down a liter of detergent will give you a stomach ache. Swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills may seem like a good idea, but it’s a prescription medicine which means a doctor will have to assign them to you. You’ll have to waste time conjuring up some illness and wait in line at the doctor’s office to get your prescription.
But whether you’re adventurous or not, both paths don’t guarantee a quick solution to your problem, so wipe forward; Death by poison has been omitted.
#5 Death by Drowning
If you know swimming, then your body automatically gets to work after it lands into water. Turning those senses off can be really difficult when you’ve trained yourself to instinctively start kicking once you splash into an open waterbody. Since most of us know how to swim (myself excluded), lets talk about how we can get about shutting off this safety feature.
You could tie your legs up before going splash and blublublub. But people will see you drowning, and jump in to rescue you. Some might even catch you in the preparation stage and ask you why you’re tying your legs up wearing nothing but your trunks. You can’t tell him why, otherwise he’d stop you and what good does that do? And its not like you can tie your legs back at home and hop your way to a swimming pool or a river. It will draw attention that could save your precious life; the one you’re trying to throw away.
If you can’t swim, there are problems you could face even then. You will have a difficult time getting anywhere near a swimming pool because everyone knows you can’t swim. “Hey you can’t swim right? Then why are you here? You’re here to peek at the ladies aren’t cha! HEY! GUESS WHOSE HERE TO SOOTHE YOU LADIES WITH HIS LEWD STARE!”
And the water will frighten you. Just thinking of how deep, cold and treacherous it is sends chills down your spine.
Too many holes in this one too; death by drowning is off the list.
#10 Death by Waiting
You might as well just stay alive.