The first computer game I played was solitaire.

I wasn’t all that thrilled about playing it at the time, because cards only elicited so much joy from a 9-year-old. I thought computers were used only for work, scribbling on paint and playing solitaire and losing, so I never spent much time on it.

FUUUUUU- ahem, So much fun.

In school we had two computer lab periods each week, where we’d scribble something random on paint to pass time by. We’d keep our programming window open in the background just in case the teacher decides to check on us.

One day during our computer class, I was greeted by a new desktop icon. The teacher hadn’t arrived yet, so I decided “Ahh, what the hell.” and opened it. 

It opened up into a 2D platform game with some pretty neat artwork. I was totally drawn into it because up until now, I was only familiar with card games and smearing paint onto a digital canvas, and didn’t think computer applications would go beyond that. I was shocked to find out that there was a game with so much depth and detail. So to hell with solitaire.

But I couldn’t finish it because there were many levels to play through, and my teacher sent me out of the class for playing games during practical sessions. I didn’t even see her coming into the class. She sneaked up on me and had the nerve to blame me for misbehaving.

What a hypocrite.

And besides, it’s her fault for leaving me alone with it. You wouldn’t leave your cat next to the fish tank and expect him to behave, now would you?

Would you?

Anyway, some of my friends had a computer back home and played Mario Bros on them. I didn’t have one, so it saddened me that I couldn’t get to see Mario rescue his lovely Princess Peach from the evil clutches of King Koopa.

But I had my imagination to console me. I played out various scenarios in my head about how Mario would develop during his rescue mission, with a number of twists along the way to spice things up.

Here is My Version of How Mario Bros. Ends

Say hello to Daddy Mario.

Hey, its-a-Mario.

I’m-a-here to tell you a story. By the way if you’re reading this with a Mexican accent, I want you to know that you are beyond redemption, you racist-a-bastard.

At first it was-a-great, I did my plumbing on the side and would visit her after my shift was over. I’d bring her my homegrown mushrooms, fire flowers and the occasional star, every time I went to see her. 

Things were going-a-well, until that tortoise bastard swooped in, kidnapped my sweet love and made a run for it. I was under constant-a-stress, and couldn’t even focus on my plumbing. It got so bad that I decided to leave my plumbing aside, and bring her back.

So I donned my red hat with a capital M on it, my thick white gloves and plumbing suit, and set out on an adventure to rescue my precious Princess Peach.

No no no! I don’t work for McDonalds!

I chased after her, battling my way past King Koopa’s henchmen and ending every level with a highscore. I’d jump as high as I could and land a perfect score on those flags, to show everyone how serious I was about our relationship.

You can only earn so much working as a plumber, and I would gather as many coins as I could for our family savings. Raising kids is-a-expensive these days, and the sooner you start saving, the better. I know she is a princess, but its a man’s duty to look after his wife and kids, not the King.

Speaking of the King, I have my doubts about-a-him, seeing how his daughter was kidnapped from his very own castle and he didn’t even bother to send an army to bring her-a-back.

Mama mia, what a loving parent.

Worldly Dilemma

But running across all these different-a-worlds, led me to some deeply troubling thoughts. Why is it that every time I break into a dungeon at the end of each world that I end up rescuing the wrong-a-princess? And they all say the same thing, asking me to look elsewhere. That really pissed me off.

But I get to see Koopa at every dungeon I break into, so what is really going on-a-here? Whats with this repetition? And why do all the fake princess look alikes? What-a-gives?

Then it-a-dawned on me.

Because by-a-now I had grown wise, and saw it for what it was. It’s obvious she was playing with me. She wanted me to jump across all those hoops, tunnels, piranha plants and goombas, just to entertain herself. But I pressed on, diligently pursuing the women who I believed was the ‘one’, and as it turns out, she was the one! 

Who didn’t love me back.

That-a-bitch hooked up with Koopa. 

But that’s all in the past and it doesn’t bother me anymore, because I’m over her. I don’t need her. Or her wedding invitation.

Her stupid wedding invitation.

Its like she was rubbing it into my face.

Princess Peach Weds King Koopa

Hey Mariooo! I’m like getting married and all, and it’s gonna be in this pretty neat looking dungeon full of stones, lava, flying balls of flam- oh you’ve been there like eight times to rescue me right? Haha, ‘rescue’ me from my to-be husband, lol. So like I really want you to be there because we’re friends and all, so yeah. Be there.

I can’t do this without you Mario, SO BE THERE!


Friends? You think all those flowers I got you were given as a token of friendship? I should have kept them to myself, that way I could have shot fireballs at that ungrateful little peach of yours!

*Suprised pickachu face

You have any idea how many of those poor tortoises I had tossed off the 2D platform to get to you? I swam across an ocean to rescue you! And what do I get in return? “Sorry Mario your princess is in another castle, and this time she’s getting married.”

Then she tells me,

“Look, at first, he was like big and scary, but after being kidnapped, and spending some quality time together, I found out that he was a pretty nice guy. Yeah, he can be an asshole like, most of the time, but hey, nobody’s perfect right? And I was right about him being ‘big’. You can hang onto that tiny mushroom of yours. I have a ride to catch, if you know what I mean…haha oh my gaaawd I’m like, soo witty.”

Big? My mushrooms make me grow BIG! You didn’t even give me a chance to show it to you! And can his manhood shoot fireballs? Hah! Didn’t-a-think so!

Baah! Who needs-a-her. You know what they say, there are plenty of cheep-cheeps in the sea. Her sister’s looking pretty fine-a-today. Imma-go have a chat with her. Rosalina wasn’t it? Maybe she will like my mushrooms.

Mamma-Mammmma Mia!

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